Start of Uni

Yeay...I am back baby!!! Special shoutout to my slut Duckie who just finished its thesis today....Weeehooo.


[Announcement: To protect the anonimity of Duckie, the pronoun "it" will be used in the entire blog when I am referring to it. Just know that it is a slut...aint that right Duckie?]


Today was a semi great day, aside from the rude awakening by Duckie at 9 bloody o'clock in the morning asking me to wake up cos it forgot its thesis at home so I had to NOT brush my teeth and NOT shower and my skin is all flaking and had a moment of doubt whether or not I am actually blind cos I CAN'T BLOODY FIND MY SHOES and NOT run for the bus like a stupid maniac. And ladies and gentlemen, that's why I love my slut Duckie. I just started uni for the second semester (and hopefully the last) and had my first ever assignment today!! yipdiddledoo!!! F***ing lame! And it was only worth like 1% of the entire course.....Just Lame! I bet I wouldn't even get that 1% - perhaps say 0.02%, yeah that's more like it. So my friends and I were really dumbfounded to learn that we had an assignment due later on the day and it was just the first day of uni. Some of our conversations went pretty much like this:


Friend: Ezie, how do you do this?!?!
Ezie: I have no idea. I'm sooooo not ready for this shit.
Friend: What are we gonna do?!?!
Ezie: (whilst pretending to sound intelligent) I think we need to do the force diagram, but don't ask me how...it was just an idea.
*************hours of thinking (read: daydreaming)**************
Ezie: I'm gonna ask the lecturer. (YEs Ezie, why didn't you think of that earlier huh?)
*************lecturer walks towards the table and Ezie is trying to compose intelligent words in his head to prove that he is just not that stupid*********************
Lecturer: Owh, this problem needs to be tackled in such manner...blah blah...tensile and compressive forces...blah blah...eliminate tension....blah blah...if you don't know this by now, I suggest you kill yourself now, or I can do it for you....blah blah.....Stop nodding and saying yeah all the time when your eyes are closed...Damnit boy, wake up!!!.....Shit, you're drooling, IEEWW....

So that was it. I managed to finish the assignment in time, attempting to replicate any intelligent thing that the lecturer said and be gone for the ever-longed, eternal beauty sleep only to realise that it is RAINING like there's no tomorrow (oh no, I do hope there's a tomorrow! I still haven't got that leather jacket yet...). So yeah, rain makes the feet go wet and stinky and me no likey stinky and wet feet...

Lunch time was great though. Had lunch with Amy and hanged with Pip and Anita. Such good times. Let me share some funny stories from my hanging with Amy and Pip kay.

Amy's story:
Once upon a time, there was a friend of a friend of hers who went to a party and got really trashed. Sounds familiar? Well, yeah except that this friend was underaged and he got circumcised because of it. HA!! See, I told you that it's interesting...Anyways, yeah so this dude went to a muddy bush cos he really was in desperate need to pee. But at the same time that he was about to pee with his little man dangling and waiting to shoot on one poor tree, he projectile vomitted. To make the story short, he knocked his face on the tree, blood was gushing out of his nose and fell on the mud, with his pants down his knees and his little dangling man still exposed. As if that wasn't proof enough that he was the most unlucky person in the world, doctors had to cut off his foreskin because the mud/dirt was infecting his penis. Moral of the story: Don't drink and pee!


Pip's story:
Ezie: You wanna hang outside so you can smoke?
Pip: I quit smoking..
Ezie: HUh?!?! Since when?!?!?
Pip: This morning.
********Anita came and started smoking********
Pip took a cigarette out of her bag and flamed herself away!!! You go quitter-less!!!


In the next post, let's revisit the stuff that I wrote when I was in Greece/London/Paris but didn't get to quite finish them.

Rejoice for I'm Back Baby (One More Time)

It's been 4 months since I last wrote my last entry. Why? 3 things:

1. I was (allegedly) broke

2. Study commitments

3. Laziness

So yeah, I've got heaps of things to write about, mainly the still unfinished story of my european escapade. The most important thing that you (I really don't know who I'm referring to since this blog has no readers) need to know is that I was allegedly (something that I myself pronounced) broke once I came back from Europe. Then I had to crash at my friends' places, had to find a house, got duped by a landlady, got a dodgy house with a broken shower, got sacked (unofficially) from work, learnt that Paris had a 10cm open wound, took care of her just to surrender her in the end, cried over her, owed people money, begged for mercy (and mostly money), had prostitutes as my neighbours (still do), got a job that I didn't like but had to keep it cos I needed the money, quit, got another job that I think I like and began to see life as it is.

There are so many stories that I'd like to tell, but there's simply no time. I was reportedly (and now proven to be true) threatened of losing a link at another blog because of my absence, which is fair enough, but now I'm back. I don't know how consistent I can be this time round and I'm not even sure what possessed me to actually start writing tonight...Truth is..hmm, I don't really know.

I'll write more semi-self-professed funny entries later. Toodles.

Coolest catchphrase ever by yours truly "Wanna soak in my robe?". Don't have to understand the deep meaning (less?!) behind it, just know that it;s cool cos I said so.

We are stupid

Guess who is stupid? Well, you’re wrong. It’s you and probably me. Although I do not deny the fact that I am both awesome and hot, but I must admit that I am a bit ignorant when it comes to anything computer/Internet/technology related. I think that’s an understatement – I suck big arse time when it comes to anything related computer/Internet/technology. You see, I transferred some photos from my camera to the computer in one file called “Greece in my heart” because I am a hopeless romantic and with the title, it somehow makes me more hopeless. Anyhoo, I digress. So I transferred them and due to my inability to think clearly and wisely when it’s only like 10 o’clock in the morning, I cleverly “replaced” a lot of old my pictures with my current pictures, which I have just transferred, including the photos I took when I was at Acropolis. This goes to show that a camera, while it is a great invention, still sucks big time when is used by a technology retard like me.

Good things:

1. As of writing this, I am sitting in the lounge waiting for my flight to Paris. WOoohohoo!!!
2. I didn’t have to pay a single cent for excess weight because the scale in Athens’ Airport apparently sucks and gives the wrong reading. I initially weighed my hold bag to be 24 kg, but suddenly today the God of Gravity took off 6 kg from that. Yeay!
3. (Warning: This is not a good thing) I cried my eyes and balls out (not really) when leaving my friends last night. Who knew that such a short duration of knowing each other could actually impose such emotion? Gosh! Let’s not talk about this, okay.
4. From Paris, I’ll be leaving for London in 5 days. So, ladies and gentlemen, please check my New Year’s resolutions in one of the previous posts and cross off the London Bridge and Eiffel Tower because baby, I will lay my eyes on those babies (hopefully).
5. Didin’t pay for the electricity because apparently my friend in Paris suddenly got sick and was about to die so I had to go to Paris without any warning. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that I tricked the landlord into thinking that I didn’t have money to pay the electricity bill (although I did pay the rent). There’s a fiasco behind this incident but I’ll update it later.

Seems like everybody is looking at this retard (yours truly) writing on his laptop acting all geeky and stuff, so I should stop.

Gosh, that guy, I’ll stab your eyes with plastic knives I found beneath my seat if you keep staring at me, beeeyatch!

Adieu.

Finally, I'm a lazy tosser!

What's a lazy tosser? I was called that by a friend of mine and I don't know what it means.

I digress. This post is about how I am awesome and lazy. The latter dominates the former. That is why I still haven't finished up what I've written so far on Rihanna and her umberella. Damnit, Rihanna. Look what you've done. I spelled umbrella with an extra 'e'. And that's stupid cos you're stupid. You hear that? Huh, Rihanna?

I will however, post the greatest thing I've read today. It's like mind blowing. Ready for it? Here you go:

Happiness is just round the corner…too bad the world is round.

I told you I'm lazy.

And last night I crashed at my workmate's place because it was too late to get home after we went to a taverna. The result: I was late for work. 3 hours late.

Him: I'm not going to work today. I have a sore throat.
Me: Shit, I'm late. I need to go to work. It's my last day! OMG!!! What's this ? Why is my skin peeling off from my face? I am not a snake! Oh god!!! I'm so gonna be late.
Him: You don't have to go back to your house. Just go from here.
Me: I am not going to work in those red shoes.

Apparently I was Dorothy for the night as I was wearing these red shoes I got from Raben footwear (I heart those shoes, by the way). As for Toto, I gave him to a homeless man because he looked like he could use some dog to satisfy his hunger.

I'm just rambling and I dislike it. I'll post a more coherent entry sometime soon.

I've Been Busy

I have been busy lately. Busy going out and not getting enough sleep and worrying about money. And add worrying about my life to the list. Therefore, I feel that I have a perfect excuse (4 perfect excuses, in fact) no to post anytime soon. But here's a newletter that I wrote recently, which I hope would satisfy your need to read my blog. My shitty-arse blog. But I'll resume to my regular posting shortly. And by shortly I mean when I am more sane than I am now.

*Note: I used to be the editor of a society in uni and I'm now writing for a newsletter for the coming o-week.

----------------

Ex-Editor’s rant.

Hi all.

Welcome to another year of university life and if this is your first time reading [society redacted] annual newsletter, consider yourself the luckiest person on Earth. And if this is like the umpteenth time you’re reading it, consider yourself equally lucky because we promise you nothing but the best in this edition.

It is the time of the year again that most of us are eager or perhaps too eager (read: not me) to start yet another wonderful/excruciatingly painful (whichever way you want to put it) year of constant studying (partying). To all the first year students (or in my term the freshies), I wish you good luck in your future endeavours as university students, of which you will need especially when the exam period hits (and it’s only a few months to go before the term’s finals – and you thought university is going to be exciting!). To everyone else, I have nothing else to say but may God have mercy on your soul and let you graduate before you turn 30 (unless you’re a mature age student in which case before 80).

University life will be nothing like you imagined it to be. Actually, that’s a lie. Of course you can never get away from the studying part and the constant handing in assignments with tests, quizzes and laboratories in between. And there will always be those sleepless nights and the too-much-you-might-have-a-heart-attack consumption of caffeine in the form of coffee, Redbull, V-drink, Mother and/or a combination of at least two of the mentioned caffeine-filled drinks.

[Based on statistics that I clearly made up, I hereby conclude that these drinks are your best friends. They will never let you down when you need to hand in your assignment that is due the next day but you just start today because you thought you are so awesome you can totally finish it in only 6 hours - max. They, however, are not my best friends because they have never helped me through the toughest times in my university life (read: partying till the wee hours in the morning). In another related note, the little café at Wentworth building called the Dent makes the best coffee ever in the entire university. Ever. And I am not saying this just because ALL the staves are totally cute and I don’t drink coffee.]

However, on the other side of the university life lies a world that is perhaps the Heaven of Earth (I don’t know if this is valid. I’m pretty sure it isn’t. Also, I apologise in advance if this statement offends any religious people out there). This is a world that is filled with joy and laughter, fun and amusement, and fond (sometimes horrible) memories. To be able to find your way to this undiscovered land (I’m directing this to the freshies because I actually have discovered it and so have many other university students), you will need self-perseverance and it requires hard work. I will not reveal the steps on how to get to HoE for there are many. All I can say is if you can’t find it, well, let’s just say you’re missing out. Big time. Or, chances are you are lame.

[Who am I to say that you’re lame? Perhaps, in some culture unknown to me, lame is another word for awesome. I will never know and do not wish to know. So, to get things straight, I am sorry if I offended you with the inappropriate use of the word “lame”. I hope you forgive me. You are totally Lame! (i.e. You are totally Awesome!)]

I think, what I’m trying to say is that university life offers you unlimited supply of anything-ness (I am taking this opportunity to apologise to my English teacher, Ms. Lam for using such bad grammar). It really depends on what you want to do with it. You only rip what you sow*. And in my case, I rip nothing as I sowed absolutely nada when I first came to this university. Well, except for extremely cool friends, awesome education, and fun life.

[I just found out that sow is another word for a female hog. And I was totally forced to write “awesome education” by my ever-so-conscious-almost-paranoid mind for the fear of any lecturer finding out and failing me in every subject. I’m fine failing on my own (lack of) effort, thankyouverymuch. I don’t need their help in this department]

This was supposed to be the Editor’s welcoming note – you know, the usual short and concise. However, since I am neither usual nor short, I figure it’s best to rant about things that I think might interest you. I was fooling myself for a second there thinking that I am interesting and have anything interesting to write about. You are way more of a fool than I am if you think that way too.

On that note, I think I should bid my farewell now, lest I’ll keep on going talking about why and how I cut my own hair (seriously, don’t ask) and discussing why pandas are cuter than koala bears. Enjoy this edition of [society redacted] newsletter because I had poured my heart and soul on this (just so you know, I am a person with no heart and soul to start with so what I’m actually saying is that “I had poured nothing on this”). I hope you’ll find it interesting and informative at the same time and I apologise if you don’t (Now, do you really think I care if you don’t?!** – I told you I am heart-less and soul-less***).

To all, have a wonderful time and God bless.

*Unless of course you cheat your way through all the exams and get good grades in which case you are totally awesome as you rip other people’s fruits by sowing nothing yourself. Lucky bastard!

**I do.

***I have a heart and a soul, well, until last night at least. I swear I made a deal with the devil and sold my life to him/her (devil can be a female too, you know. Or your friend!) for a box of Lindt’s 75% dark chocolate before going to sleep.

Regards,
The best Editor known to man

Plea

This post is dedicated to the people who read this blog. And by people, I meant 1 or 2 of my friends.

Thank you heaps for your comments and keep them coming. Haha. I almost accidentally wrote coming with a ‘u’ instead of the ‘o’ and an extra ‘m’. Just goes to show how focused I am at work. And that homosapiens are a bunch of sexual beings.

[Sorry, everything just kinda gets too creepy now]

Anyways, I want the world to know that I appreciate you guys who have spared a little of your time watching Oprah (or Tyra) to leave a comment or two (you know, since I only have 2 readers) on my meaningless and funny-less rants. I appreciate it more if you leave money instead of just words the next time you do. It’ll make me a little bit richer and well, you a little bit poorer. But since I’m poorer than you, the whole thing kinda falls into a well adjusted equilibrium. Everyone wins. Most importantly, I will not have to resort to selling my body to that fat dude who has been checking me out everytime I pass him. Turns out he is homeless and I am insecure. I mean, where is justice in this world? And by justice I meant money.

So here’s my plea – while it is awesome and touching to learn that there are actually breathing, conscious and non-retarded people reading about how awesome (pathetic) my life is, I am left without any choice or dignity for that matter, but to ask you to donate some money so that I can continue living like a diva who feeds her cat smoked salmon rissotto prepared by the head chef from a 5-star hotel.

No really. I don’t have a cat with me now and I only eat salmon once every year. So the diva here is clearly you and your bitchy attitude - refusing to donate. I, on the other hand, am just a poor soul (literally) who lives in what used to be a brothel.

So, send me a message if you have some spare cash to donate, okay? We’ll talk about logistics when I am sure you are not some kind of ill minded whacko whose personal hobby is to eat up other people’s brains.

Thank you.

p/s: I have a feeling the brothel will resume operation soon, with or without your donation.

Random Story

I went to a bank to open a new account. A lady was assigned to help me. She looked heavy, had a big belly, and was limping.

“Great, first time mum”, I thought. “Just hope she’s not having one of those bitchy-pregnant-lady days”.

…all necessary arrangements were made and I was about to leave…

“So, when are you expecting?”

“Expecting what?”

“You know, the baby!” following a faint laughter.

“I’m not pregnant”

“Owh”. Awkward silence. “Hihihi…nothing beats a lame joke on a Sunday”, followed by a chuckling sound.

…I thanked her and slowly died of embarrassment…

Banks don’t open on Sundays.